Last Tears

"These are the last tears I'm gonna cry for you." It is a song by the Indigo

Girls "Last Tears") that has caught my attention of late. No, I do not think

the tears I have shed are entirely gone, nor do I want them to be, but it is

time to move on. It is time to lose the anger. Grief, like death, seems to

go through stages and I have been stuck in anger for too long. I want to move

to acceptance. Not understanding, I do not think that will ever come, but

acceptance. Acceptance with memory intact. Acceptance without pain would be

nice, but I will be happy with acceptance without anger. Pain is an old

friend and I can deal with it.

Music has helped, more than I expected. I wrote earlier that I had put a lot

of my music aside: Meatloaf, David Wilcox, Manhattan Transfer, some of my

Lyle Lovett. I put aside most of the love songs I sang when I looked for

love, and sang after I found it. I also put away most of my classical music.

Cyndie did not know classical before we met and we had a wonderful time

learning it together, her for the first time and me really listening to old

favourites with a new appreciation. Same with jazz vocals and big band - they

all went into the bin, literally deleted from the computer, pretty much gone

forever. Some I may get back into, some I know I never will. David Wilcox is

probably gone forever. I discovered him when we met and his songs were the

leitmotif of our courtship, marriage, and now her suicide. One David Wilcox

song did help stabilize me. The song is "For Real" and the lines that meant

the most are, "Death took the husband of a neighbor of mine on a highway with

a drunk at the wheel. She told me 'Keep your clean hands off the laundry he

left and don't tell me you know how I feel'." (I know now to never use I know

how you feel for any tragedy, I do not...you do not either. At best, and it

is best, you can say you know what pain feels like.)

So, some new songs, some old friends untainted by memory. Tom Waits, who she

never liked, Indigo Girls, some new Jazz vocals by Jane Monheit even some

techno like the Safri Duo. Many of these songs hit hard, especially the

Indigo Girls one mentioned above. It is time to cry it out, then dry the

eyes..."I won't forget, I don't regret...but these are the last tears I am

gonna cry for you". Of course the singer will have more tears to shed, but

that the soul wrenching kind of tears needs to go away and stay away. Tears

of memory and loss are fine, tears leading to anger or dark sadness are not.

I do not want to forget, I want to accept.

Lots of Tom Waits helps as well, always has. I do not care if I am the only

person who likes him, he speaks to my heart and his voice is like mine so when

I hear the pain in his voice it feels like my own raised in song.

So. Going to give it a try. As the second anniversary of Cyndie's suicide

approaches, it is time. Not sure I can handle forgiveness, that is going to

take a bit longer and the betrayal was deep and personal. However, I think

she tried to atone for the betrayal by killing herself and I try to take that

into account. In my opinion, she had not a good enough reason - I was not

ready to say goodbye, I had no chance to say goodbye. If I am honest with

myself, I know that is part of what drives the anger, I did not get a chance

to say goodbye. The honest part of myself also admits that I never would have been

ready to say goodbye.

Because she did betray me, I am not sure what would have happened to us. I

would like to think I would have forgiven her, but I am not sure I could have.

My new partner and I were discussing things after dinner one night, around the

table with after dinner drinks. She said something beautiful and painful,

i.e., that she was happy with what we had, but thought that if Cyndie walked

in the door at that moment she was afraid I would go to her. I thought of

that and something crystalized in my head - no, I would not. The pain was too

keen. It is not the betrayal that would have made it almost impossible to

forgive, it was the fact that I was literally willing to die for her and she

was not willing to live for me. Maybe that is unfair to her, she was mentally

ill, but it is true. I would not now return to Cyndie if she was magically returned.

People mention that she had mental issues for years, and that it really was

not a surprise. Well, it was. She seemed to be getting better, had started

with a therapist after years without regular meetings. She had projects

started and had ordered things for her hobbies that only arrived after her

death. It was a surprise, yes. It was not a surprise, no.

A friend gave me a wonderful piece of advice early on. She said, do not make

her into a saint. True, she was not. However, I moved too far to the other

side and somewhat demonized her. That is also not true. She was a human,

both flaws and beauty. She was not always a good person, but I knew the demons

going in and learned many of the others. Maybe I could have forgiven the

affair, I do not think I ever could forgive the real betrayal of us - killing

herself. Suicide of this type is the ultimate selfish act.

I still had to deal with guilt and I do believe that drove the anger to a large

extent. The question of what I did or did not do haunted me a long time. I

have come to believe I could not have done more than I could. Her children,

we have five in common, say I made her happier and longer than anyone ever had

or probably could. I do take comfort in that. However, if I want to be

honest with myself, I have to admit that guilt drove at least part of the

anger. Easier to blame it all on her, is it not?

At Last - Etta James

( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVI254QGSQ4 )

So where am I now? I am with a person who loves me despite having seen me at

my worst. She is adorable, lovable, helpful, close without smothering, and I

finally believe she is going to stay, that she will not be taken from me. Oh,

yes, there was some guilt in giving my love to someone new - guilt that helped

to drive the anger, but I think I have moved beyond that. In an odd way I am

sure Cyndie wanted me to be happy and find someone who could give me all her

love. I got lucky and I did. One door closed and another one opened, to

quote an overused cliche. Repeat, I got lucky. Will there be more tears, more pain

at remembrance? I hope so, it means that I will have dealt with it. Any time

you lose a loved one there should be tears, there will be pain. There will

even be anger because one is never ready to say goodbye, but the anger should

be allowed to fade. The love and good times should be allowed to thin and

fade the anger and allow new love and good times in to complement, not

replace, the old ones. My new love and I both took a chance that things would

work, there were no guarantees. It has, very well. Moving on and being happy

is not a betrayal of memory, that was a hard thing to learn. Feeling guilty

for being happy is normal, but hiding beind anger to cover both loss and guilt

at moving on is dreadful.

So, are these the last tears I am gonna cry for you? No, surely not. This

November, 2009, the two year anniversary, I am abroad and alone. So, what will

I do? Have a drink, have a cry, wipe the tears, sober up, "make some coffee

black and strong, give thanks for healing time, finally make up my

mind...these are the last tears I'm gonna cry for you".

Last Tears - Indigo Girls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTnN5ehNbX4

I wrote this as pretty much a stream of consciousness and only reviewed to try and get caps and spelling right. I decided not to edit it. The formatting is screwed up and, frankly, I do not care. Comments always welcome, you can even say you know how I feel, but would prefer you just say you understand what pain and loss feel like.