Yes, I know the past is there and cannot be forgotten. I do not want to forget it, I just want it to stay in the little box I created for it. Yeah, I know that will not work either.
I am happy, things are going well, life is good. For months after Cyndie killed herself I could not imagine ever saying those things again.
I think it is because things are going well that being pulled back into anger and pain is such a pain. Anyone who has ever lost someone will recognize how hearing a song or seeing a movie clip will bring back the memory of the lost one, bring back that pain. My particular problem with this is that I am so heavily involved in music. I have it playing almost all the time. Why is this a problem? Well, I exposed Cyndie to large body of music for the first time, especially classical, but also people like David Wilcox. If you do not know him, search him out. I can no longer listen to him and have deleted all his song files from my computer. Did the same with Mozart and Meatloaf. Both of them are too closely associated with her, and car trips, and lazing after making love.
However, that is not why the anger is back, I think. OK, I am not really sure. I think the real trigger was moving picture files off my computer and onto disk for storage. To do that, you have to look at them. Some were family type, some alone, some innocently intimate. All were twelve years of my life and seeing each one was like raking nails across a scab. Eventually it comes off and you bleed a bit. It is a self inflicted wound and you are angry with yourself for making it bleed and angry at the circumstances that lead to the first injury.
I do not want to lose my memories, I do not want to forget. There was much good in our life together, most of time together was good in fact. I want to look back without anger.
The new love in my life understands and accepts this. She has her own anger issues with the women who hurt me and our children so bad. I am actually glad to hear that from her, not sure why. When I spend a couple of days in a blue anger funk she always accepts and understands, leaving me room as needed. I know it hurts her and I feel some guilt about that, which she understands, but sees no reason to feel upset about. She is upset for and not at me. Yeah, I got lucky and I know it and tell her with every I love you.
So, the anger still pops up as we begin to approach the second anniversary of Cyndie's suicide. I try to accept it. Try to let it wash through me. Try not to scratch at the scab. I try to understand. I am so glad that I am not alone.
2 comments:
Keep posting; it may let the wounds air out and heal.
Mona, thanks for your comment. Sometimes I wonder if anyone reads this blog at all. Not that I am doing it for any other reason than to help myself, but I does help if I can feel like I am talking to someone. I also hope that others in similar situations might find something familiar and realize they are not alone.
I have made a decision. By the second anniversary (early November 09) I want to try to move beyond the anger and let it go. Have discussed this with my loving spouse and shrink and they agree with me regarding making that a goal. So, will be blogging about this in the future. I have always been good about blocking memories, but do not want to do that now. I want to remember the good things, not without pain, pain is ok. I want to remember without the anger tainting it all.
Ciao
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