Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Things to Do

First off, sorry did not mean to sound so mysterious on Pharyngula. I am just going to be away for an extended period and got a little sloppy sentimental. I have enjoyed that blog and (most of) the people. I may be back before xmas.

I am not fine, I am not truly well, but I am probably not in mortal danger. I am going to focus on my health, mental and physical, for a while and that will take most of my attention and probably a little hospital time. If I am well enough, I will head back to work in Autumn. My work is overseas in various trouble spots and the available bandwidth in such places is usually barely capable of supporting email. Even if I am not truly well, I have to work - personally and financially.

Best news for last. I have found someone who loves me without conditions and knowing exactly what I am and what damages I carry. I will talk about this more later. It is a good thing.

All for now, cheers to all.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Health Issues

Some people have expressed some concern about my health issues. Well, not grim, but not good. Thyroid will have to go whether it is cancerous or not, so that should work out OK. Liver problems are still being looked at, but most of a life spent in some of the less salubrious parts of the world means I probably should not be surprised.

Good news, BP responding to drugs, my heart is in good shape, and my cholesterol level is the envy of all who hear it.

I do not blame Cyndie's death for my health problems. At worst, it only exacerbated them. It is too easy to blame everything on that trauma. That said, last year at this time I was in perfect health, especially for an overweight smoker with a fondness for fried goodies. The truth is, I stopped taking care of myself for months after she died.

Anyway, I will survive. Cancer or just thyroid removal. Liver issues are a little more iffy, but they can also be treated, I hope.

Every time I talk to my kids, I say I love you. My health issues have not changed that, always done that.

I am coming out of the tunnel. Sometimes I walk, sometimes I run, and sometimes I am reduced to crawling. Whatever the speed, I am trying to get back into the sunlight.

Ciao all

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Boredom of Sadness

Pain is boring at times. Sadness and depression are boring.

Going through a bit of a bad patch. Not sleeping well and what sleep I have is crowded by dreams. I can still dream of Cyndie and wake to look for her, wanting to talk to her, forgetting for a moment that I cannot. Reality crashes you hard in the face when that happens. They are not all nightmares, most, recently at least, are just innocuous dreams.

I have had nightmares. One was spectacular. I have PTSD and one particular bad memory/dream is having someone bleed out under my hands, I was a medic at the time, with nothing I could do to stop it, too much damage, too many holes, too much blood. There is lot more to the dream than that, but this is enough. After Cyndie's death, I had that dream come up to the surface again for a while, the horror stops were all pulled out I guess. The wonderful (heavy sarcasm) variation was when Cyndie's face started replacing my dying buddy's face. Luckily, that only lasted about two weeks. Rarely have either version now.

There is a boredom to this. I am tired of being sad, being caught unawares and dragged down into depression. I have gone whole weeks doing well, then get blind sided by something simple, like finding a chapstick she used. Or just a stray memory. You try to avoid those things, but you still get caught. I know I am better, much better than last November. Better all the time. However, some of those times , these times, just suck. Tired of it, and that in itself is depressing.

I do see a mental health professional and I take anti-depressants. It helps.

PS - Do not be afraid to make comments, I only bite the people who deserve to be bitten.