Thursday, July 3, 2008

Boredom of Sadness

Pain is boring at times. Sadness and depression are boring.

Going through a bit of a bad patch. Not sleeping well and what sleep I have is crowded by dreams. I can still dream of Cyndie and wake to look for her, wanting to talk to her, forgetting for a moment that I cannot. Reality crashes you hard in the face when that happens. They are not all nightmares, most, recently at least, are just innocuous dreams.

I have had nightmares. One was spectacular. I have PTSD and one particular bad memory/dream is having someone bleed out under my hands, I was a medic at the time, with nothing I could do to stop it, too much damage, too many holes, too much blood. There is lot more to the dream than that, but this is enough. After Cyndie's death, I had that dream come up to the surface again for a while, the horror stops were all pulled out I guess. The wonderful (heavy sarcasm) variation was when Cyndie's face started replacing my dying buddy's face. Luckily, that only lasted about two weeks. Rarely have either version now.

There is a boredom to this. I am tired of being sad, being caught unawares and dragged down into depression. I have gone whole weeks doing well, then get blind sided by something simple, like finding a chapstick she used. Or just a stray memory. You try to avoid those things, but you still get caught. I know I am better, much better than last November. Better all the time. However, some of those times , these times, just suck. Tired of it, and that in itself is depressing.

I do see a mental health professional and I take anti-depressants. It helps.

PS - Do not be afraid to make comments, I only bite the people who deserve to be bitten.


Bill said...

I read your comment over at PZ Myers and clicked through to your blog. I was surprised at the subject matter. Never mind about that controversy over there.

You're right -- I don't know how you feel. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. Endurance is a kind of courage; and I hope you find something or someone to comfort you, or at least, endure with you until joy, fitfully, returns to your life.

Mena Ryan said...

I too came over from Pharyngula and agree with Bill-that controversy is irrelevant when compared with this. That someone would be so horrible and make that comment to you is just unthinkable.
Can I make one comment though? I have never had a loved one commit suicide so I don't know what that's like but I did lose a grandmother to murder by a family member. That happened almost forty years ago and no one talks about it still. I was little when it happened and remember them telling me that "she fell and hit her head" instead of telling me the truth. I didn't know what really happened until I was in my twenties. My point is, sorry about the long narrative, that it's good that you can blog about it and that your kids and grandkids can see what you write and even express their own thoughts in this or their own forums. Senseless tragedies can cause a lot of strain on families and I really do think that opening yourself up to the world, and perhaps your family members, will be a big help, even if so called christians come over here to spread their hate.

Keltixx said...

Bill, Mena Ryan, thank you both for your comments and thoughts. Most people seem to be hesitant to comment on here, not sure why.

The purpose of this blog is to let some of the poison out of my system. Sometimes, when I look back on what I wrote, it no longer seems to be that urgent, or that serious. It does help to give me perspective.

Thanks again for reading.