Pain is boring at times. Sadness and depression are boring.
Going through a bit of a bad patch. Not sleeping well and what sleep I have is crowded by dreams. I can still dream of Cyndie and wake to look for her, wanting to talk to her, forgetting for a moment that I cannot. Reality crashes you hard in the face when that happens. They are not all nightmares, most, recently at least, are just innocuous dreams.
I have had nightmares. One was spectacular. I have PTSD and one particular bad memory/dream is having someone bleed out under my hands, I was a medic at the time, with nothing I could do to stop it, too much damage, too many holes, too much blood. There is lot more to the dream than that, but this is enough. After Cyndie's death, I had that dream come up to the surface again for a while, the horror stops were all pulled out I guess. The wonderful (heavy sarcasm) variation was when Cyndie's face started replacing my dying buddy's face. Luckily, that only lasted about two weeks. Rarely have either version now.
There is a boredom to this. I am tired of being sad, being caught unawares and dragged down into depression. I have gone whole weeks doing well, then get blind sided by something simple, like finding a chapstick she used. Or just a stray memory. You try to avoid those things, but you still get caught. I know I am better, much better than last November. Better all the time. However, some of those times , these times, just suck. Tired of it, and that in itself is depressing.
I do see a mental health professional and I take anti-depressants. It helps.
PS - Do not be afraid to make comments, I only bite the people who deserve to be bitten.