Sunday, November 6, 2011

Enough already

How long is this going to go on? Four years later. I am happy now. So, why, oh why, does the anniversary of her suicide keep crawling back under, over and around my mental barriers? Maybe it is because I still have a barrier, and not total acceptance.

I made it through the grief and mourning and guilt and loneliness and cutting myself and wanting to die. I did not make it through the anger. Not yet. It is not everyday, not every month, but as the anniversary comes along the anger wells up again. Anger at being cheated on, anger that she tried to piss me off in the run up to her suicide (I guess to make it easier on herself or to make it easier on me) and anger at what she did to the kids.

OK. This year, this anniversary I need to see about accepting the anger. I have no idea how to start. Well, yes, I do have an idea. Time to return to the shrink and talk some more.

I hope I write more on this later.

2 comments:

monado said...

Anniversaries are hard. It's been 13 years since the SO's mother died (they had a conflicted relationship) and I think he's finally done with reacting to that day but he's still angry at her. What do you think is better? Solitude and memories for the one day or distraction to drive away memories? Be kind to yourself--what happened will always be difficult to deal with, but when people are suicidal they are isolated and selfish. Good luck to you.

Chas Peterson said...

Dude:

Your blog is hardcore shit.
You have some balls to link publicly. (Pharyngula)

hang in, man

*shrug*